Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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