u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
