She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
