I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
