So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I will pee on everything he values.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize