New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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