my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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