I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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