she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
