don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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