i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My pussy is not your playground.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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