Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize