You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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