the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
