It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
