I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
