Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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