My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
