Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I love you.
Bad choice
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
