based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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