Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
