I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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