GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
