My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
