hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
