My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
FUCK WHALES
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