i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
