Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
And then he peed in my hair
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