Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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