man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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