i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
