shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
