i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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