I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
