I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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