By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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