maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize