You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
