I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Let's get the cat blown out
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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