I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
