Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize