my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize