Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
