I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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