U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
