u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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