At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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