I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
