Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Holy shit dude........stairs
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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