You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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