I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
